Why do certain things happen?

I don't know why Sharon is causing us so much chaos in our hood.Yesterday we were supposed to whack someone,so Kai Feng,Nicholas,Fred,Kzua,''chup si lao'' people and me assembled at 94 to await further orders.At around 2am plus,we were told to go to block 148 to find the guy but Sharon didn't give us any recon before telling us to go there.We found that the place was very open,near to the main road and there was a camera.How were we supposed to do the things we were supposed to do?Anger overwhelmed KF because of the lack of recon and lack of Sharon's presence.We had to seperate and Jas and I went with Lewis and the rest followed KF as there was a police cruiser nearby.All of us were angry at Sharon and Peter(as Sharon is under the command of Peter).Pete told us that she would give all of us an explanation if not she would get ''guat''(a punch to the upper torso) by Pete.All of us had to overnight at Toa Payoh Bus Interchange and it was boring..And I got fired from work today for some unknown reason.Well,to look on the bright side,at least I don't need to work anymore but I still getting money.

Maybe I don't belong here

Everything seems so fucking screwed up.Well...not everything..just some.I didn't know apologising would lead to shouting and anger.I don't understand this world sometimes.You try to help a buddy and he gives you the clap.Whats wrong?I understand that some people are very complicated to comprehend and when you try to help..everything goes out of control.I don't know whats wrong with me now.How am I pissing some people off?Or is it just them?Or both?Some people just don't know if they piss you off and it will get irritating sometimes...Do I belong to the world of sorries,apologising and forgiveness?Or do I belong to the place where sorries,apologising and forgiveness don't exist and fights happen because of petty reasons and blood is split every moment?I hope I belong to the world of forgiveness.I really hope and pray that happens.

New shirt!Yay!

I got the shirt that I longed for after so long.....the money was from my parents as a pre-Christmas gift.I bet they are going to give me at least another 80 bucks for Christmas.And Chinese New Year and the damn job companies haven't call in 3 weeks...damn scammers.Anyway,when John and me went to Bugis Street on Friday(I think),we were approached by a modelling agency lady and John purposely gave her the wrong number..HAHA.Wonder how the woman will react if she find out,I bet it will be funny as hell.We also did some sparring,,which was not really productive as..um..nevermind I won't indulge in such details.Maybe next time we will do pressure drilling and move training.:D.I bet it will be more productive.Anyway,Im starting to doubt my trust in 2 of my friends..I won't say names here,but Im sure that person know who she/he is.Its not my best friend John.He doesn't need to worry.Its more specifically two females.I'll say this much.

Laughter is the best thing in life.

Lewis told me that because of a $1 kid's toy he bought from a pasar-malan(night market),he lost his iPod touch.And after he told me that,he wanted to smoke and cos I had a receipt,I decided to play a prank on him-I rolled the receipt in the shape of a cigartte and passed it to him,He thought it was real and even said ''Thank you Thank you'' and after he realised it was fake,I laughed.Actually at around 6pm plus,I went late to Paul's bithday(23 Nov)and forgot that i had to meet Feng and the rest at BBQ chicken,so I went to 94.Brian called and started talking in a loud voice,so I thought he was scolding me.I scolded back and when I met them,they said ''You okay anot?Not angry uh?'' I was surprised and we continued to Paul's house to celebrate his birthday.The cake was rum and raisin.After that we ate(thats where I got the receipt to bluff Lewis).After the pranks,Feng went to buy the dumb $1 toy and played with it,and in one instant he said loudly "Im going to shoot high high!!" and when he did,the toy went to the ground and everybody laughed until they cried.What a joke.We walked and Lewis took the toy and played with it..and it went onto a roof and got trapped there.He bought a new one for Feng and damn,that night was so damn funny and fun.Wish it was like this everyday.I hope we all stay like this even when we are not a hood anymore.I saw how Sharon was treated when she wasn't one of ours anymore.She looked so sad,and lonely.I hope she finds some comfort soon.After all,she was my sister once.

Shame doesn't apply to you does it?

I really wish I was there to guide her again,putting myself into deep shit just to save her ass.Its not that I like trouble,I feel I must do what I have to do.I don't think she knows what shame is.I could see her pink panties in one of her photos.She can't feel love,she doesn't know what it is.But then again,she never did know it.Even when I was with her.Maybe,just maybe during the time I was with her,she knew what love is.Today,just witnessed a cremation at Mandai Creamatorium and family members were wailing when the body went into the furnace.Even though I didn't know him.I still feel the pain that his family had to go through.I did the most weird thing I never thought of doing-praying for a person I did not know.I lost my Onyx and steel cross 2 days ago when I went to a funeral at Ang Mo Kio Avenue 6.We were lucky the police didn't come.It was a Christian-Chinese funeral.If you went there,you could feel the love for the dead person the family had-taking every single chance to see the dead body before it went away.I hope God comforts them.especially the wife and kids.The deceased died from disease and has one of his legs amputated.I also wish He can guide Dani.Guide her along the right path and not be so stupid sometimes.Her stupidity sometimes......amazes me.She wasn't that dumb before she went there.I wonder what happened.Maybe Jamie?Blaze the Vampire?Or Feeq?Or maybe...Myself?Jeez....really wish I know the reason.If she didn't go there,I would still be with her.and will be our 5 years anniversary.Yes I counted.Dear God..protect that...that.......ignorant person will you?Im willing to guide her again.But I hope you guide her..Protect her from trouble.She fell into the depth of stupidity,can she ever get back up on her own feet?

When we all start to know what's right.

2 or 3 days ago,mom started shouting at me just because I didnt pack my stuff in my room.I mean,thats my room,why should you care?Anyway don't bother about that.You know,sometimes,your fists are the ONLY way to bring your point across especially when the other doesn't listen.Yes,the 1st one who uses fists in a verbal argument loses,but when it comes to protecting yourself,hell,everything goes.I don't know if its just me...but sometimes I feel fucked up in my own home...I wonder what's wrong with me.Dad said I should forgive myself and not be so hard on myself..but how am I supposed to forgive myself when I know what I'm about to do even before I do it?I hope God helps me.And forgives me.

Misconception is for losers.

I don't know why people always think gangsters fight and stare at others.Is it because of TV shows?Or was it that they encounted it before?Tell me please.Well,to anyone reading this,im also one of those undesirable people that you tell your friends or children to keep away from.If I didn't tell you who I was.You wouldn't know who I am inside.So,not all gangsters are the same.I don't stare,pick fights or take drugs.Neither does my brothers.Why?Cos we know that's really stupid.We don't put our gang or brothers in danger or under the police radar.Yes,we are an illegal organisation,but we also keep those who are dear to us close to our hearts.Family,is the 1st that matters to us.I don't want anyone to treat me as a gangster.If i didn't tell you I was one of them,you wouldn't know that I'm one.Those.Slashings.Are commited by idiots who don't know what the underworld is really like.We have rules.Ranks.And brains.Despite what people think,we do not harm innocents but keep casualties within our own ''kind''.If you know us truly,then you have the right to comment on us.If you don't know any of us.Or the reason why we joined,then just keep to yourself.Cos your opinion isn't needed by the underworld.